stay with you.

lousy, lousy night and day. swollen glands going around breaking things. only charles bukowski can cheer me up at this point--but i dont know where my book is.  im spending too much time on facebook, waiting for the world to come to me.  i should be wandering my hometown right now but i cant pull myself out of bed. 

'scuse me while i make a call.

1:52 in the morning and...

It's almost 2 am, just caught a few minutes of Ms. O before vacating the couch so my poor mom could have a place to crash.  I tried convincing her to take my bed but she's stubborn like me, always trying to please others.   It's now the second day since my surgery and of course have to always get worse before they get better.  With Vicodin and a bag a peas by my side I'm well on my way.  In all honesty, this surgery was not all that horrible.  I decided to forgo the Ambien tonight which might help explain my insomnia--without such though, you might not be able to enjoy this late night post.

Tomorrow, my mom flies home.  Tough, bittersweet week.  When the girls left, the feeling of homesick sadness had flooded back to me each time they had left from previous trips or when I had returned home from visiting them.  I will feel the same when my mom leaves tomorrow.   I haven't had any visitors from home since my birthday and to see my mom, Christy, and Melissa all in one week was such a blessing.  It also makes it just as hard when they leave.  It's hard to well up with two black eyes and a nose cast crowding your face, but if such weren't the case... I'm pretty sure there'd be a warm trickle down my cheek at the thought of pieces of my heart from home are leaving me alone in this now cold city.. 

Especially in the events of this past week, two major parts of me are gone-never to be the same.   Just as the dr. surgically removed those sharp bumps I hated to acknowledge, touch, and feel... so to did I have to be my own surgeon and remove the emotional parts of myself that had been broken and never properly healed.  This was not my own fault.  I had done all I could and at some point you have to be willing to accept it for what it is or do something to change it.  Just as I had never been comfortable with my nose, and knew that I never would be, I took the initiative to do something about it so I could live my life comfortable within my own skin.  And yes, I did break my nose.  I am not going to lie about cosmetic surgery--I had it done.  There was also septoplasty performed as well but it was also a nose job.  

Just as I won't like about that, nor will I lie about the cosmetics of my friendship--while it lasted.  Somethings just don't age well together, and I think that we would be lying to ourselves--clinging to a history--making ourselves miserable in the future.   I could tell you had moved on and even though you still mean a lot to me, and will always, we are different people.  You are no longer good for me. 

To those of you still in my life, thank you for your support and setting an example for how humans are supposed to treat each other, even in your mistakes. 

My love is for you.